so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
