Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
