I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
