You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
