Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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