So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
