I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
