I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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