there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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