Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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