the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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