Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
