I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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