I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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