I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
