Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
