My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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