I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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