Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
