she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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