Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
