His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
