Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
