I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
