$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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