I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
