Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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