You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
