I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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