Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
