Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
