Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
