i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The best revenge is premature balding
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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