Already got asked if we're dating
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
