he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
