please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
