I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
