I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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