this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
