Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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