Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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