I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
