Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
