I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
