You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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