He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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