Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
