My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
