Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You dont lie about slip and slides
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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