I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
