So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
